Why is it so hard to be happy? Why is the world so grey? At least I feel like it at the moment. But it will be over by tomorrow. It takes one day, sometimes half a day, sometimes one hour. But not for long. And still, during that pitiful period, it feels like every single failure, sin, burden, cry and grey cloud falls on me. In reality, nothing happens, and actually I feel only empty. Empty inside of me. No one cares, no one hears, no one sees. And myself, I am only a person who shouldn't be here.
In the morning I was so keen on doing crafts, knitting, making miniatures, drawing... Then, suddenly, everything just collapsed. Perhaps it's because of the sky. It has been grey since Friday. It makes me anguished. I can't see the sky, God, anything. I feel like I was in trap. Closed and forced to live in this little aquarium walls everywhere around me. I hate city. I've hated it since I was born, and still I've never lived anywhere else. But something draws me to the nature, to the north. I can't sit in place but I have not another choice. I must stay here.
My depression is not a sickness. My depression is a part of life that I must stand. And still it's so horrible, paralysing. Like I said, every sorrow appears then. But the tigers come at night, with their voices soft as thunder. The strongest woe is the feeling of nullity. Why am I always alone? Well, I don't miss friends and I like to be alone just with my dog in the nature and do all kinds of things alone. My way of being alone is different. I think I may miss love. The thing that I never got. What is it? I don't know. I just want somebody would care about me.
I'm too tired of going to school tomorrow but I have to. I can't be weak. Sometimes I feel like I watch other people going and coming inside my own bubble. No one sees me. I'm invisible and nothing is true. And everything is grey. Damn I hate that colour.
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